Don't you wish people would just quit saying, "Gee, she must be the size of a baby elephant!" or "Look at all that food, I wonder if he is going to eat it?" Worry no more. Go ahead and eat. The National Lard Butts of America encourage you to eat and the more you eat the fatter you will get. Yes, now you too can join over 80% of Americans and be a big as a barn. Don't be an outcast. Get "in" with the rest! Here is what you need to do
1.
Step 1
The only way to getting fat is make sure that you start each day with at least a sugar high to get that engine going. Add extra sugar to that coffee and a chocolate jelly donut and you are off and ready to begin a day of good eatin'! Make sure before you leave your house to go to work that you stuff you pockets with candy for those sudden urges. A cold slice of pizza is always yummy for the tummy if you are going to be in traffic for a while.
2.
Step 2
If you leave early enough for work you can stop off at that favorite eating establishment that likes to super size your meals and when you do, you can use those coupons (buy 1 sausage biscuit meal, get one free)Take the extra biscuit for a mid morning snack. Once you arrive at work, excuse yourself for a coffee break and have some of those delicious candies you managed to sneak into your pockets. Oh, don't forget to share. Besides, everybody knows a true lard butt has "extra" to go around!
3.
Step 3
At lunch, try and go out for a big meal. Buffets are great, especially the all you can eat restaurants. Double up on dessert and, well go ahead and sneak a few brownies to take back to the office for that afternoon "pick me up." At about 3:00, try and locate a snack machine. Chips and soda are good for this time of day because they are not too heavy and will hold you over until the end of the day. At 5:00, make sure to check and see if anyone has any left over food they want to get rid of. This is always helpful in case you get stuck in traffic going home and the sudden urge to eat hits you. In certain cases, you might want to purchase a cooler and have it filled with your favorite cold drinks for the ride home. No alcohol. That is for dinner.
4.
Step 4
Upon arriving home, this is a good time to pop in the oven some 10 minute frozen snacks while you get comfortable for the evening. If you are staying in and don't want to cook, order pizza. Get the special. Midnight pizza snacks in bed late at night are yummy! While you are waiting for the pizza delivery, whip up some chocolate mousse. It's quick and easy and will be ready to eat after dinner.
5.
Step 5
If you decide to watch a movie or favorite TV show at night, don't forget to pop up some pop corn and share a bite or two with the dog. By the way, where is the dog? Last time he was around he was as skinny as a rail. Try not to eat the dog food. It could give you gas.
6.
Step 6
During the commercials, why not snack on something healthy, like a carrot or piece of celery? Remember, the key to getting fat is to never stop eating. It must become a part of your life that makes you feel good about yourself. If someone makes fun of you, don't be offended. They are just jealous because they are skinny. The important thing is that you like yourself and feel good about who you are. Self esteem. So, keep up the good work, eat to your hearts content and be happy!
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